I am home.

There was only one moment yesterday when I almost gave into fanciful thinking, that the “gods” were taunting me and that was when I sat under an overpass at the edge of the George Washington Bridge in New York City looking at the toll booth a 100 yards away and realizing that having already driven 250 miles that morning that my Little Champ was not going to make sitting in line for 45 minutes. I had already come dangerously close to overheating trying it twice.

I felt like, the toll booth was the gate to home and here I was, unable to pass through.

Then I got a grip and realized I could take the Tappan Zee Bridge and took off.

Champ was…unhappy. The car is designed to either go fast over long distances or simple city driving but not really a combination of the two. The main part of its cooling design is movement and this I will change.

I ran out of gas twice (being a bit over excited about being so near), overheated the transmission twice. Screamed profanities out the window from Connecticut to the border of Rhode Island and the second I saw the sign for “Providence” I just started laughing and feeling tired all at the same time.

When we talk about home and a sense of home everyone jumps on the band wagon that “home is within yourself” and that is true. That is the first part of it. But ‘home’ is also made up of the people we love and the places that call us.

It is…a trinity. You must have all three and then all things sort of become this kind of…anchoring base that will hold you and ground you, let you withstand anything and also be able to extend yourself to others without losing your rootedness.

This city…from the first moment I saw it when I was 14 or 15 has spoken to me in ways I still don’t understand. It has held some of my best moments and my worst and it remains my source for inspiration and love.

We only get in trouble when we decide that geographical places will do something specific for us rather than give us strength to draw from. Like thinking a new job with a better paycheque will smooth out life’s pains; or that being involved in a relationship will make one feel less lonely. Jobs and places and relationships are all part of what we have to work with to make the life that we want. Its just so damn easy to get distracted and let one of them get blown out of proportion in our lives and take away from the importance that the others have.

I drove 2500 miles in under 6 days through 115 degree heat in a car 41 years old that hadn’t moved in 16 years and had only been up and running for 2 weeks. All my incidences on the road had more to do with my own errors and the car. The Mad Kitten has proven to be an incredible traveler and very adaptable. And I? In between Albuquerque and Providence, I have rediscovered my sense of humor and that…had gone missing for three years. Looking back on the intensity and drama of my New Mexico experience I cannot help but both shudder and be thankful. While I was there, I think I faced and got through so many things about myself that had been really standing in my way and yet, I kept doing them because there was always some little easy way out, or distraction to choose, so I never really had to deal with them.

And now…after all of that. I am here again. In my beloved city. And you know what? It feels like that dream I have been chasing…the one about the horse in the sky…that feeling, is in side me and it is good.

Last night, I rolled in and sat outside catching up and then…saw what looked like a cat, but it wasn’t a cat, it was a family of 6 skunks. The funny thing was, I had no idea that skunks move altogether, like this bizarre and undulating fur coat. Then there was the runt who was always getting left behind.

Tired but good. Good but tired.

Now, it all begins.

New Performance Video!  Requiem for a God what is that little flower? copyright 2000-2009 Cassandra Tribe. All rights reserved. For permission to use any of this material please contact info@loveandwords.com

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